Last Night.

The cold wind brushes against her shoulder leaving chills down her spine. She is in deep thought with a million things circling in and around her mind. Nothing of remorse or regret. Rather, the unsettling and unfamiliar feeling of resentment. She feels pain flowing within her making her feel unnecessary hatred. For whom the hatred is aimed at, even she is uncertain. She shuts her eyes, pressing her eyelids together tightly, trying to get rid of these unwanted, threatening thoughts.

"How can everything go wrong at once?" she asks herself out loud. Considering the chances of going insane, she begins to get even more frustrated than she was to begin with. The wind pants like a dog from the fan above her head. Even silence can't meet her requests. She thinks of everything that burns this hole of stress into her. Her best friend is sick and her parents are ruining her life. Her other friend is stressing out because her best friend is ill. Another friend is a complete drug addict - much like all her acquaintances that she has dealt with but much worse. She'll never meet the boy who makes her heart prance, or rather she is too afraid to. The boy she is gained interest in won't speak to her. Several friends she longs to speak to are miles away or drifting but not because of physical distance. She's scared of how the next few weeks will turn out. Her grandparents are ill. Her parents don't understand her. Her brother is trying to annoy the life out of her. She's drowned in stress for the most important things are all happening this year and if they don't go well, there goes her future.

The weather hasn't helped much either. Sure, it's nice and windy. Her favorite, actually. Except when it's raining. It's like as if God collected buckets of water and finally decided Singapore's too hot and wanted to make up for all of it at one go. It makes her miss India. Her room, especially. Small but the perfect size for her. Closet, bathroom, desk, and a queen-size bed right next to a big window where she loved to sit next to when it rained. Her little haven where she could self reflect and write, write her lyrics. Her little method of releasing emotions that could not be spoken. It reminds her of having to move out of there, a place she loved and always will, which results in reminding her that she's moving again.

Singapore wasn't her favorite place, obviously, but she was starting to get used to it. The thought of getting her own room and not having to share it with her brother was probably the only upside of moving this time around. The only one she could think of at least. She felt independent here, even though her parents barely ever allowed her out. And if they did, she always had to be back home by dinner time. Any later, she was never allowed out ever again. It always also so easy making friends here and the next place already seemed terrible and she dreaded moving there. Her friends kept brigning it up, saying they were upset. Seemed like they wanted to make sure she was too. She'd never show it though. The tears push against the walls of inside of her, begging for some sort of release. She just smiles, even while her eyes are frozen.

Warning.

Just like the the lights on the traffic posts on every street of this town, her mind keeps changing. Nothing stays the same for too long and nothing can convince her to stop. It's constantly changing with no chance of freezing. Should she be happy, or should she be sad. Should she smile, or should she cry. Thoughts fight against each other in her mind. The stress, the chaos, the wars and all that take place in her head, make her head spin and hurt her. She suffers from both physical and mental pain.

Noise irritates her and silence crushes her. Nothing can soothe her, only cause discomfort. It's not just the voices inside her head that control the way she acts, but combined with the voices outside conversing, yelling, and whispering, that effect the voices inside. She can't take it any longer. She wants to break free, but she's too scared to. She can't decide what she wants. She wants to yell and break glass, but she's too scared she'll feel guilt and remorse. That would kill her but then again, everything would.

She loves him, but she doesn't want him near her at all. She feels she's too young, but she's scared she doesn't have long to live. She wants to live life and go out for she fears to die, but she feels that she has time for that and she should wait. Indecisive, so hard to please. Her mind kills her and is only silent when she sleeps. But even her dreams aren't always fantasies, for she cries herself in her sleep sometimes.

Abusing “xx.”

Also known as xoxo. Back then, rare letters. X and O. Only used when sharing hugs and kisses. Now, just a couple of letters used to end a conversation. Not a symbol of love just letters that follow a “goodbye.” If you said it to me before, it would’ve meant you felt something for me. But now, how can people truly show their feelings? How can they hint affection when everyone around uses the code without thinking twice?

Behind the lens.

You sit there, head tilted as far as you can tilt it, attempting to smile with your eyes. Something you’ve convinced yourself would make you look far more beautiful than just looking straight into the camera lens and smiling. A method of showing emotions, according to you. A method of proving your stupidity, according to others.

You spend hours, sitting, and staring into your reflection. Often times you look up photos of others who’s lives you wish you had. You post photos of them and you envy them. You go on and on about them. However, you detest it when others call others pretty because you believe only you have the right. And when others compliment you, you cause an argument just so you can keep hearing the praises. You’re not that beautiful as you think you are, dear.

Then you attempt to write but everything you write, is related to something you insist you avoid. Drama. Must you call someone a b*tch in every post you write? Hypocritical, that you are. You post that no one likes her, but you only have three friends. People are only nice to you so they don’t have to stir up drama because that’s something you just love to do.

You hurt others. While you play games with this one guy, who’s fallen deeply for you, you post that you want him. But if you really did, why haven’t the cards been laid down after three months? Every other day, the posts of “him” change. It’s a different guy each time, and everyone can see it. It hurts him to the core, but you’re too blind and distracted with thoughts of what game you’re going to play next. All you want to do is win.

You aspire to be someone but until you come clean with yourself, you’re still going to be that lonesome girl sitting on that chair trying to look beautiful for that camera, while you hurt other peoples feelings. It’s materialistic but it’s the only thing you can rely on to be there whenever you need it. In the end, a camera only captures it’s subject by the look on the outside. With no knowledge, whatsoever, of the inside. The easiest to fool.